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    Thursday, 30 July 2009

    Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia

    There is something about Nick Robinson and Lord Mandelson in a small room together. You begin to think it is missing a scented candle or two, petals, a dimmer switch. But Mandy had left Randy Mandy at home. This was not Mandy Pandy, this was Action Mandy, and he was here to rescue the Party. Again...

    We were urged to imagine a young Mandy, "if you could imagine such a thing". I'd rather not. I'd like to sleep tonight. It's that 'over friendly uncle' moustache that gets me. It's like the bogey monster on steroids. Action Mandy wasn't keen on the past (unsurprisingly, how many resignations?), he wanted to "fight back" (again). It was "down to the whole government and the whole Party", not just Gordon Brown. There was no finger pointing here. Finger crossing perhaps, but no finger pointing. The only pointing was towards the horizon. The "changemakers" are coming, and they will fight, not as "incumbents", but as "insurgents". Now there is something suitably alarming about this, not least because of what is clearly a misuse of the plural. Insurgents? Most of the Labour Party seem more inauspicious than insurgent. None of them seem to 'insurge' anything, let alone the Tories. No, this was no army. This was Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia and he was on a rescue mission.

    Indeed, Nick was surprised that Mandy had already, personally, rescued half a million jobs. "At least", said Action Mandy, modesty firmly machine gunned. Actually that was not the only thing that was machine gunned. Nick wanted to know where that figure (suspiciously round if you ask me) came from; Mandy wanted to talk about the banks. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat... we were now talking about the banks. Action Mandy had rescued us all from the nasty banks, and now he wanted to rescue us from the "slash and burn" Tories (as opposed to 'crash and burn' Labour?) and their savage cuts and deep recession.

    Alas, but how many had Action Mandy rescued with his Mortgage Rescue Scheme? "I'm not the Minister for Mortgage Rescue", protested Action Mandy. Must be one of the few things he isn't minister for. Six. What, thousand? Hundred? No. Just six. "Fine, you score a point", sulked Mandy, drawing a target on Robinson's forehead and stealing his lunch money. What would be his weapon of choice? "Fiscal adjustment". The government, claimed Mandy, "never disguised it". Never mind the disguise, I was struggling to decipher what 'it' was. Nick had a go, deflecting back Mandy's bullshit bullets. "Constraints, measures, choices"... "Cuts?" "You can use your language and I can use my language", insisted Mandy in the manner in which a hit man might discuss the merits of various handguns. It was clear. Action Mandy liked his bullshit, and "fiscal adjustment" was by far the best calibre.

    Robinson looked defeated, but he had one last weapon up his sleeve. Mention Gordon. Especially his favourite 'Labour investment versus Tory cuts' mantra. Action Mandy looked like thunder. Mandy wasn't keen on Gordy, he'd just gotten rid of him for a month. Rat-tat-tat-tat. The bullets sailed towards CCHQ and what Mandy termed, 'the Tories' "undisguised glee at savage cuts"', with undisguised glee. This wasn't simply a "referendum on the government". No, Gordon doesn't like those. What was it then?

    Then it became clear. Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia hadn't rolled into Downing Street to help re-decorate, it was here to stay. PM for PM? Action Mandy tried to assure us that he "can't just migrate from one House to another". I wasn't convinced, after all, he'd managed to migrate from one side to another. Nor was this "one comeback too many". The Militia wasn't in town to rescue the Party, or to selflessly save us all from Tory tyranny. Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia had its hands on the "levers of power", it wanted its bottom on the seat as well. On the nightmare front, that makes the moustache look tame. The Militia is well and truly in town. Mortgage rescue? More like Mandy rescue. I think it is time we armed ourselves...