An Apology from the Rt. “Hon.” John ‘Seven Homes’ Lewis MP

Dear Constituents,
I feel that, following revelations in the Telegraph regarding the expenses of MPs, I should issue a statement on the matter. It is damaging for trust, for the House and for our political system in general.
Some have commented that my seven homes are indefensible. I have also attracted criticism for supposedly ‘flipping’ my second home between them over the past year. This was not a matter of personal profit, but personal security. If I had the choice, I’d have only one home, but, as it stands, I have to have seven for security purposes. These ‘decoy homes’ are a means of ensuring my security so that I am fully able to execute my parliamentary and constituency business. As for the flipping, this was not because I wished to decorate my homes at the taxpayer’s expense before selling them for a profit. It was merely to protect the identity of my primary residence, and to ensure that terrorists could not work out which of my homes were mere ‘decoy homes’. The trauma of having to move between seven homes, including one in Tuscany, has been a burden I was willing to carry to fully serve my constituents.
The furnishing of these decoy homes is integral to this security strategy. It is also essential that they are furnished in keeping with the area. If I were to paint a Notting Hill home in anything other than Farrow and Ball it would be obvious to any terrorist that such a home could not be real. I have been forced to sell homes and purchase new ones due to intelligence that they had been compromised. Any profit made was not actually profit, but “profit” designed to give the appearance of profit, normalising the rapid and suspicious sale of the house. As “profit” is not actually profit, it is exempt from CGT.
All the above claims were made within the rules and all were granted by the fees office. I, however, accept that this isn’t enough, which is why I must apologise. I am most awfully sorry that I have been caught following the rules. In future I shall be certain to ensure that this does not happen again.
Yours in dutiful service,
Rt. Hon. J. Lewis MP

P.S. Must dash - doorbell. That will be the furniture delivery.

Dave the Matador and his Cuadrilla of Red Tories

The (proverbial) sun was shining brightly in the Chamber today. Gordon listed his engagements, lips curling into a.. oh no! A smile. And it all went downhill from there, for his outer smile may be all smiley (or should that be scary), but his inner smile is but a grimace of rage (as Prescott demonstrated). Dave was confident, dancing around, red cape a-swishing, remarkably upbeat for someone whose bike had been stolen. Again. At least it was chained to something other than a bollard this time. He really has developed into a PM in waiting.

Dave wanted to know about (rub in) Gordon’s apocalyptic week. The cape a-swished, the trumpet a-sounded. Gordon was released into the ring, unimpressed, for he wanted a good old crisis. Gordon likes crises, he can do ‘swine flu’ – the jury’s still out on the ‘economy’ and the ‘difficult decisions’, my guess is it won’t be favourable. All he’s managed to do is to take some very simple decisions, make them very difficult, and then announce the resulting disaster on youtube.

“We’re getting on with the business of governing”, insisted Gordy. There is clearly some disparity in what constitutes ‘governing’. Dave gave another swish of the cloak, wafting it around the chamber towards the Communities Secretary who sensibly hid behind the Speaker’s chair. Hazel wasn’t getting involved, she’d already stuck her knife in. Gordon gurned (sorry, smiled) like an idiot. Out came the old ‘do nothing’ jibe, Dave wafted the cape a bit more. Wafty-waft, “youtube if you want to”, waft, waft. Gordon began to see red.

“We are taking action…” He was interrupted by gales of laughter from the Tory Cuadrilla poised to gallop in, lances ready. Tory cuts, u-turns, hug a hoodie. “Compassionate Conservatism has gone, gone…” err, Gordon hesitated, where was this going again? “Gone?”. Dave drew his sword. “I’m sure that sounded just great in the bunker, whilst the mobile phones and printers were flying”. Dave was now flying, back and forth, around and around, red cape a-swishing. Gordy stormed after him. Dave wanted a general election. Gordon charged. Gordon wanted to talk about issues, not listen to jibes from a party “in the dark ages”. The whole exchange was getting more like the dark ages by the minute. When was the last time swords were drawn and blood shed in parliament? Must be a t least three weeks. Dave sidestepped, but Gordon was not giving up. He lined up for one last charge. “He is completely out of his depth when it comes to the big issues in this country.” Ouch! Matador Dave had been speared on a horn and retired to the front bench to nurse the wound. Gordon did a victory circuit around a planted question.

Time for the Lib Dem interval, but this was not the usual funny dancing, or naff 80s music. Clegg entered the ring, knife already drawn. “There comes a point when stubbornness is not leadership; it is stupidity.” Dust was already appearing around Gordon’s feet. Clegg taunted him with “vacuous”, and then with “saving his own skin”. Gordy charged again, straight onto the outstretched knife, then blamed Clegg for attacking him. A bit rich from the man who once owned Damian MacBride.

Dave was bloody, but still fighting strong to orchestrate the final Tory push. Every Tory in the chamber was red to the PM (not in a Guardian-esque sense of the word I must assert). Question after question Dave’s Cuadrilla of Red Tories came galloping in on horseback, swords drawn, and question after question repeatedly stuck them into the Prime Minister. Petitions, elections, Gurkhas, they all drew blood. Gordon charged around after them. The Labour benches had given up - retiring to the proverbial greenhouse to cultivate a series of plants. Mighty Dave handed the sword to Stephen Crabb. Crabb stepped forward, sword in one hand, muleta in the other. “What does the Prime Minister intend to do about the important issue of bullying in the workplace, given the reliable reports of a senior Whitehall boss throwing around mobile phones and printers and swearing at switchboard operators?” Brown was no longer seeing red, he was seeing blue. He stormed towards Crabb in rage. “Any complaints are dealt with in the usual manner.” Crabb had plunged the great sword of Dave the Mighty Matador straight into Gordy’s one ‘nerve’. The Tory benches took cover in case the PM had a Nokia or two on him. The crowd cheered. Labour fell silent. Johnson risked a smile. Dave had better be careful not to kill this weak bull, for that risks the possibility of a much stronger replacement.

Tory Chippendales

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Some more fun - for those with much work and no motivation

Ah yes, put down your pens, relinquish your hold on the mouse, it's not like you were really doing much anyway - any distraction is a welcome distraction right?

There is much fun to be had in the form of Google Similar Image search.
Now it's not perfect, and you do have to pick your picture, but there is some fun to be had, and some insight to be gained. Above all there are some gems, so who do our illustrious political leaders resemble?

David Cameron is apparently like Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell - smooth, popular, white teeth... says it all really!

Gordon Brown is like Fidel Castro, George Bush, Tony Blair, John Prescott and numerous domestic animals - no 'side of the road' flattened animals though, so not all that realistic.

Harriet Harman is like a whole page of random men - well, equality and all.

David Miliband resembles Brad Pitt and David Beckham - and I'd been telling everyone he was attractive; no one believed me. He supports Arsenal, the comparison is definitely there - it probably falls apart at the point where it comes to stringing a sentence together though.

http://similar-images.googlelabs.com

I promise you can waste hours! Then once that has been exhausted, there are many pictures of 'Boden-man' Cameron on the beach to provide further entertainment.

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to carry on leading this great country of ours... do we?

There is now another support Brown petition on the No. 10 site, this one with 50 signatures...
50? Not bad...
Well actually, it is.
They range from the serious (the person who created it and...err...um...oh)

To the plotting:
Ed Balls, Chancellor in waiting
Robert Mugabe
Tony B Liar
Jeremy Clarkson
Alistair Darling (instructed by Winky)

To the clever:
Juan Idescottishgit
L X Shun Nao
Thai Mtugo

To the funny: (well they're all quite funny)
EightyEight P Bathplug
Tractor production is UP! I tell you
It started in America
Boom AND Bust
Polly Toynbee von Tuscany

To the downright rude:
fat unelected lying hoon
W Inky McFukcnut (sic)
James Gordon Brown is an amoral f**king sewer rat the worthless c**t.

The stars are my polite addition - it seems that youtube isn't the only source of abuse - how long before this petition is taken down? Place your bets!

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/support-the-PM/

While you're at it, SIGN the petition. Now number 5. I obviously did not spend my friday night emailing it to all the newspapers I could think of...

UPDATE: Thinking about it, I thought No.10 vetted and monitored these things - are they trying to tell Gordon something?

UPDATE II: It would seem that there has been some attempt to 'cleanse' the signatories for most of those that were there this morning are there no longer. The attempt fails as they have just been replaced by more abuse.
This arguably sends a stronger message than the petition calling for Brown's resignation. As one signatory's name says, do you think you'll manage to get 10 REAL signatures?
I'm not holding my breath.

UPDATE III (Wednesday pm.) It's been purged again, down to a measly 14 signatures.

Time for Gordon to go - sign the petition!

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/please-go/

Sign the petition, spread the word.

UPDATE - It's reached the no. 1 spot!