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    Tuesday 26 January 2010

    Tories' Secret Election Code BROKEN!

    For a while now, the Labour Campaign Team have been intercepting traffic out of CCHQ in an act of electoral espionage, trying to establish what the opposition are up to.* This has had limited success, for the Tories seemed to be communicating in some strange code. Hours, days, months were spent trying to crack it. Experts were flown in from all over the country, or at least the parts where McBride et al live in a bit to decipher the mysterious messages.** Not even the world's foremost experts could crack it. The code remained a mystery. UNTIL NOW!

    Yes. Ladies and Gentlemen, I can exclusively reveal that the code has been broken.

    In this EXCLUSIVE*** I can reveal the secret**** document, from CCHQ itself, in which advice is given to Party officials as to how to draft messages in the secret code.

    The document has the unassuming title "The New Logo & Party Visual Identity - A User's Guide". It sounds harmless, but what it contains is so explosive, that every intelligence agency in the world has, well, exploded.

    Neque porro quisquam
    est, qui dolorem ipsum
    quia dolor sit amet
    Sed ut perspiciatis unde
    omnis iste natus error sit

    Yes. That's right. Latin. Tories write letters in latin. Intelligence sources believe that this may have been a sleeper network put into place across a number of public schools across the south of the country. Eton declined to comment.

    *Probably true
    ** Likely to be party true
    ***So exclusive, no one will believe it
    **** See it for yourself -

    Thursday 14 January 2010

    Desert? Deserters...

    I have a little game for you...

    This is a screenshot of Gordon midway through his ludicrous answer to Andrew Murrison's question on the Western Sahara at PMQs yesterday... (and yes, he had no idea what he was talking about)
    Spot the two leadership frontrunners...

    For Whom The Bell Tolls...

    Now I don't mean to be funny... but shouldn't it be 'whom'?

    Thursday 22 October 2009

    Remember That Petition?

    Remember that petition on the No. 10 website for Brown to resign? Well, it has ammassed 72000 signatures and is still the largest on the site by over 20,000.

    Why do I bring this up you ask...

    Well because today is the day it closes and that Downing Street have to consider it (insert snigger). No prizes for guessing what the reply will be, although we can live in hope...

    Thursday 30 July 2009

    Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia

    There is something about Nick Robinson and Lord Mandelson in a small room together. You begin to think it is missing a scented candle or two, petals, a dimmer switch. But Mandy had left Randy Mandy at home. This was not Mandy Pandy, this was Action Mandy, and he was here to rescue the Party. Again...

    We were urged to imagine a young Mandy, "if you could imagine such a thing". I'd rather not. I'd like to sleep tonight. It's that 'over friendly uncle' moustache that gets me. It's like the bogey monster on steroids. Action Mandy wasn't keen on the past (unsurprisingly, how many resignations?), he wanted to "fight back" (again). It was "down to the whole government and the whole Party", not just Gordon Brown. There was no finger pointing here. Finger crossing perhaps, but no finger pointing. The only pointing was towards the horizon. The "changemakers" are coming, and they will fight, not as "incumbents", but as "insurgents". Now there is something suitably alarming about this, not least because of what is clearly a misuse of the plural. Insurgents? Most of the Labour Party seem more inauspicious than insurgent. None of them seem to 'insurge' anything, let alone the Tories. No, this was no army. This was Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia and he was on a rescue mission.

    Indeed, Nick was surprised that Mandy had already, personally, rescued half a million jobs. "At least", said Action Mandy, modesty firmly machine gunned. Actually that was not the only thing that was machine gunned. Nick wanted to know where that figure (suspiciously round if you ask me) came from; Mandy wanted to talk about the banks. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat... we were now talking about the banks. Action Mandy had rescued us all from the nasty banks, and now he wanted to rescue us from the "slash and burn" Tories (as opposed to 'crash and burn' Labour?) and their savage cuts and deep recession.

    Alas, but how many had Action Mandy rescued with his Mortgage Rescue Scheme? "I'm not the Minister for Mortgage Rescue", protested Action Mandy. Must be one of the few things he isn't minister for. Six. What, thousand? Hundred? No. Just six. "Fine, you score a point", sulked Mandy, drawing a target on Robinson's forehead and stealing his lunch money. What would be his weapon of choice? "Fiscal adjustment". The government, claimed Mandy, "never disguised it". Never mind the disguise, I was struggling to decipher what 'it' was. Nick had a go, deflecting back Mandy's bullshit bullets. "Constraints, measures, choices"... "Cuts?" "You can use your language and I can use my language", insisted Mandy in the manner in which a hit man might discuss the merits of various handguns. It was clear. Action Mandy liked his bullshit, and "fiscal adjustment" was by far the best calibre.

    Robinson looked defeated, but he had one last weapon up his sleeve. Mention Gordon. Especially his favourite 'Labour investment versus Tory cuts' mantra. Action Mandy looked like thunder. Mandy wasn't keen on Gordy, he'd just gotten rid of him for a month. Rat-tat-tat-tat. The bullets sailed towards CCHQ and what Mandy termed, 'the Tories' "undisguised glee at savage cuts"', with undisguised glee. This wasn't simply a "referendum on the government". No, Gordon doesn't like those. What was it then?

    Then it became clear. Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia hadn't rolled into Downing Street to help re-decorate, it was here to stay. PM for PM? Action Mandy tried to assure us that he "can't just migrate from one House to another". I wasn't convinced, after all, he'd managed to migrate from one side to another. Nor was this "one comeback too many". The Militia wasn't in town to rescue the Party, or to selflessly save us all from Tory tyranny. Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia had its hands on the "levers of power", it wanted its bottom on the seat as well. On the nightmare front, that makes the moustache look tame. The Militia is well and truly in town. Mortgage rescue? More like Mandy rescue. I think it is time we armed ourselves...

    Thursday 11 June 2009

    How Times Change...

    Unbelievable... Mind Numbingly Unbelievable!

    I made a promise when I started this blog, to piss take, to satirise, to ridicule, but never to rant.

    Today is an exception.

    "DAVID CAMERON MR 10%" the Labour Party website screamed at me. Here are some excerpts:
    The Conservative Party has let the cat out of the bag and revealed that they plan to make spending cuts of 10 per cent across the majority of government departments.

    There is a choice between Labour which believes we must grow our way out of recession - and the Conservatives who have revealed that they would cut the vast majority of public spending by ten per cent


    Brown tried this shit yesterday at PMQs and has been roundly pissed on in this morning's press. The language is so telling - "let the cat out of the bag" - at least Andrew Lansley had the decency to tell the truth. Heaven forbid a Labour minister could so carelessly be straight with the public. Except that Andy Burnham too, in Labour's words "let the cat out of the bag".

    Andy Burnham effectively matched the Tories' spending proposals on Channel 4 news last night.

    The difference between the two parties over public spending is not, as Brown would have us believe, Labour investment versus Tory cuts. It is Labour deception versus Tory decency.

    Rant allowance used up.