Tories' Secret Election Code BROKEN!

For a while now, the Labour Campaign Team have been intercepting traffic out of CCHQ in an act of electoral espionage, trying to establish what the opposition are up to.* This has had limited success, for the Tories seemed to be communicating in some strange code. Hours, days, months were spent trying to crack it. Experts were flown in from all over the country, or at least the parts where McBride et al live in a bit to decipher the mysterious messages.** Not even the world's foremost experts could crack it. The code remained a mystery. UNTIL NOW!


Yes. Ladies and Gentlemen, I can exclusively reveal that the code has been broken.


In this EXCLUSIVE*** I can reveal the secret**** document, from CCHQ itself, in which advice is given to Party officials as to how to draft messages in the secret code.


The document has the unassuming title "The New Logo & Party Visual Identity - A User's Guide". It sounds harmless, but what it contains is so explosive, that every intelligence agency in the world has, well, exploded.

Neque porro quisquam
est, qui dolorem ipsum
quia dolor sit amet
Sed ut perspiciatis unde
omnis iste natus error sit
voluptatem

Yes. That's right. Latin. Tories write letters in latin. Intelligence sources believe that this may have been a sleeper network put into place across a number of public schools across the south of the country. Eton declined to comment.

*Probably true
** Likely to be party true
***So exclusive, no one will believe it
**** See it for yourself - http://www.conservatives.com/Get_involved/Party_Logos.aspx

Unbelievable... Mind Numbingly Unbelievable!

I made a promise when I started this blog, to piss take, to satirise, to ridicule, but never to rant.

Today is an exception.

http://www.labour.org.uk/david_cameron_mr_10_per_cent

"DAVID CAMERON MR 10%" the Labour Party website screamed at me. Here are some excerpts:

The Conservative Party has let the cat out of the bag and revealed that they plan to make spending cuts of 10 per cent across the majority of government departments.

There is a choice between Labour which believes we must grow our way out of recession - and the Conservatives who have revealed that they would cut the vast majority of public spending by ten per cent

I WANT TO HIT THINGS!

Brown tried this shit yesterday at PMQs and has been roundly pissed on in this morning's press. The language is so telling - "let the cat out of the bag" - at least Andrew Lansley had the decency to tell the truth. Heaven forbid a Labour minister could so carelessly be straight with the public. Except that Andy Burnham too, in Labour's words "let the cat out of the bag".

Andy Burnham effectively matched the Tories' spending proposals on Channel 4 news last night.

The difference between the two parties over public spending is not, as Brown would have us believe, Labour investment versus Tory cuts. It is Labour deception versus Tory decency.

Rant allowance used up.

UKIP Parody David Cameron as Hitler

This Tory version of the traditional Downfall video was quite funny, until I realised that had been uploaded by 'ukipmedia'. What really unnerved me was when Nigel Farrage does a voiceover at the end with some party logo stuff, urging people to find out more about UKIP... having just likened David Cameron to Hitler...



Don't get me wrong, I'm not objecting to the fact that it is a Tory version, I'm not that pathetically partisan. Granted most feature Gordon Brown, but they are hilarious when they are created for amusement purposes by people with a little too much time, whatever leader they depict. I just find it somehow different when used as part of a political campaign...

Conservative Party Election Broadcast - 15th May 2009