For a while now, the Labour Campaign Team have been intercepting traffic out of CCHQ in an act of electoral espionage, trying to establish what the opposition are up to.* This has had limited success, for the Tories seemed to be communicating in some strange code. Hours, days, months were spent trying to crack it. Experts were flown in from all over the country, or at least the parts where McBride et al live in a bit to decipher the mysterious messages.** Not even the world's foremost experts could crack it. The code remained a mystery. UNTIL NOW!
Yes. Ladies and Gentlemen, I can exclusively reveal that the code has been broken.
In this EXCLUSIVE*** I can reveal the secret**** document, from CCHQ itself, in which advice is given to Party officials as to how to draft messages in the secret code.
The document has the unassuming title "The New Logo & Party Visual Identity - A User's Guide". It sounds harmless, but what it contains is so explosive, that every intelligence agency in the world has, well, exploded.
Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem
Yes. That's right. Latin. Tories write letters in latin. Intelligence sources believe that this may have been a sleeper network put into place across a number of public schools across the south of the country. Eton declined to comment.
This is a screenshot of Gordon midway through his ludicrous answer to Andrew Murrison's question on the Western Sahara at PMQs yesterday... (and yes, he had no idea what he was talking about)
There is something about Nick Robinson and Lord Mandelson in a small room together. You begin to think it is missing a scented candle or two, petals, a dimmer switch. But Mandy had left Randy Mandy at home. This was not Mandy Pandy, this was Action Mandy, and he was here to rescue the Party. Again...
We were urged to imagine a young Mandy, "if you could imagine such a thing". I'd rather not. I'd like to sleep tonight. It's that 'over friendly uncle' moustache that gets me. It's like the bogey monster on steroids. Action Mandy wasn't keen on the past (unsurprisingly, how many resignations?), he wanted to "fight back" (again). It was "down to the whole government and the whole Party", not just Gordon Brown. There was no finger pointing here. Finger crossing perhaps, but no finger pointing. The only pointing was towards the horizon. The "changemakers" are coming, and they will fight, not as "incumbents", but as "insurgents". Now there is something suitably alarming about this, not least because of what is clearly a misuse of the plural. Insurgents? Most of the Labour Party seem more inauspicious than insurgent. None of them seem to 'insurge' anything, let alone the Tories. No, this was no army. This was Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia and he was on a rescue mission.
Indeed, Nick was surprised that Mandy had already, personally, rescued half a million jobs. "At least", said Action Mandy, modesty firmly machine gunned. Actually that was not the only thing that was machine gunned. Nick wanted to know where that figure (suspiciously round if you ask me) came from; Mandy wanted to talk about the banks. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat... we were now talking about the banks. Action Mandy had rescued us all from the nasty banks, and now he wanted to rescue us from the "slash and burn" Tories (as opposed to 'crash and burn' Labour?) and their savage cuts and deep recession.
Alas, but how many had Action Mandy rescued with his Mortgage Rescue Scheme? "I'm not the Minister for Mortgage Rescue", protested Action Mandy. Must be one of the few things he isn't minister for. Six. What, thousand? Hundred? No. Just six. "Fine, you score a point", sulked Mandy, drawing a target on Robinson's forehead and stealing his lunch money. What would be his weapon of choice? "Fiscal adjustment". The government, claimed Mandy, "never disguised it". Never mind the disguise, I was struggling to decipher what 'it' was. Nick had a go, deflecting back Mandy's bullshit bullets. "Constraints, measures, choices"... "Cuts?" "You can use your language and I can use my language", insisted Mandy in the manner in which a hit man might discuss the merits of various handguns. It was clear. Action Mandy liked his bullshit, and "fiscal adjustment" was by far the best calibre.
Robinson looked defeated, but he had one last weapon up his sleeve. Mention Gordon. Especially his favourite 'Labour investment versus Tory cuts' mantra. Action Mandy looked like thunder. Mandy wasn't keen on Gordy, he'd just gotten rid of him for a month. Rat-tat-tat-tat. The bullets sailed towards CCHQ and what Mandy termed, 'the Tories' "undisguised glee at savage cuts"', with undisguised glee. This wasn't simply a "referendum on the government". No, Gordon doesn't like those. What was it then?
Then it became clear. Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia hadn't rolled into Downing Street to help re-decorate, it was here to stay. PM for PM? Action Mandy tried to assure us that he "can't just migrate from one House to another". I wasn't convinced, after all, he'd managed to migrate from one side to another. Nor was this "one comeback too many". The Militia wasn't in town to rescue the Party, or to selflessly save us all from Tory tyranny. Action Mandy and his One-Mandy Militia had its hands on the "levers of power", it wanted its bottom on the seat as well. On the nightmare front, that makes the moustache look tame. The Militia is well and truly in town. Mortgage rescue? More like Mandy rescue. I think it is time we armed ourselves...
"DAVID CAMERON MR 10%" the Labour Party website screamed at me. Here are some excerpts:
The Conservative Party has let the cat out of the bag and revealed that they plan to make spending cuts of 10 per cent across the majority of government departments.
There is a choice between Labour which believes we must grow our way out of recession - and the Conservatives who have revealed that they would cut the vast majority of public spending by ten per cent
I WANT TO HIT THINGS!
Brown tried this shit yesterday at PMQs and has been roundly pissed on in this morning's press. The language is so telling - "let the cat out of the bag" - at least Andrew Lansley had the decency to tell the truth. Heaven forbid a Labour minister could so carelessly be straight with the public. Except that Andy Burnham too, in Labour's words "let the cat out of the bag".
Andy Burnham effectively matched the Tories' spending proposals on Channel 4 news last night.
The difference between the two parties over public spending is not, as Brown would have us believe, Labour investment versus Tory cuts. It is Labour deception versus Tory decency.
Not only is this video a wonderful illustration of what a tit Brown is - Obama beach (says a lot about the Queen fiasco, doesn't it?) - it also demonstrates just what a load of bullshit the PM spouts... often only to then fall into it...
Note the caption: tyranny may suppress, it cannot endure.
Pleasingly, well actually, maddeningly, ironic coming from the man who clings to power despite numerous clear signals that the public would quite happily string him up from a lampost with a variety of materials, a BNP banner being one... in fact, they already have. But of course, the rise of the BNP isn't Labour's fault right?
Oh yes, you keep deluding yourselves that it is the Tories' failure to talk about immigration that has given the BNP their platform. That will be why voters are deserting the "Conservatives" in hoards in the "Conservative heartland" of the North, and flooding to the BNP is it?
That doesn't wash... maybe it's not the Tories' fault?
Ah yes, expenses, that must be it - blame expenses. We're unpopular because of expenses. Worst election results ever, because of expenses. Come fifth in the south, because of expenses. Why not blame both? All those nasty rich Tories and their nasty moats *boo hiss*.
Presumably, if it is expenses, and seeing how awfully bad those nasty Tories have been, the Tories must have also taken a major hit...
Oh.. um...
Okay... err... maybe we can blame UKIP? Nasty UKIP with their nasty euroscepticism... the rise of the BNP and Labour's catastrophe must be their fault!? Because obviously, most UKIP voters are Labour voters right?
Wrong? They're Tories? Err... okay... scraping the barrel here.
Could the BNP have started in America? Labour's electoral crisis - a global crisis?... unprecedented...difficult times.
Whatever it is, it obviously is nothing to do with the leader... Gordon is the right man... (repeat after Mandy) ...the right man for the job. He is getting on with the difficult (yes Peter, I'm saying it I'm saying it) task of leading the country through these difficult ti...blahblahblah...
General Brown, under the orders of the First Secretary, hereby declares that he 'aint going anywhere, and woe betide anyone who suggests otherwise.
Gordon (sorry, that should read Mandelson) may suppress the dissent in the Cabinet, may suppress the dissent in the party, may suppress the dissent among the activists, but there is only so long that he can suppress the dissent in the country.
The tyranny of Gordon Brown and his First Secretary cannot endure. The question is whether the regime or democracy will crumble first.
This is a screenshot from the excellent blog of Labour MP Tom Harris.
Oh, what's that advert for? Surely not John Lewis!? The John Lewis of John Lewis List fame?
Now I know that precisely what adverts appear in those ad boxes is beyond the blogger's control but on a day where the expenses reform row rumbles on, it is rather ironic!
The actual slogan of the ad is also laced with irony.
'Make a difference today' is why many MPs become MPs, and it is this that has been tarnished by the long-running expenses row.
It's time our representatives made a truly bold difference today. The old system stinks. Gordon Brown's new system stinks. The expenses system needs bold and firm reform before the reputation of Parliament and our MPs is beyond repair.
Government departments such as the MOD already have a 'second home' system that works.
There should be a criterion for travel distance (either miles or hours by public transport). If you live beyond the set distance you qualify for a second property. All properties are rented within a certain price band. Rent and the cost of utilities are paid for. The rest is up to the MP.
Those MPs with grace and favour properties would not qualify. Travel expenses to and from constituencies could be claimed with receipts along with staff costs etc.
The basic salary would cover work (which, surprisingly enough, includes actually turning up).
Come on. This is not difficult. Make a difference for us and yourselves.
"We also need to ensure Ministers are featured on online forums, such as Mumsnet, money supermarket, Treehuggers etc. Both as featured visitors and regular contributors."
The second one is a particularly good idea *sarcasm*. Money supermarket could add a 'Minister comparison' section to their site. Rated according to expenses, policy, column inches, likability. www.comparethecabinet.com, e-acountability, it would be an instant hit!
You can imagine Obama on Mumsnet, you can imagine Obama going down well on Mumsnet, you can imagine the press being generally warm to the idea of Obama on Mumsnet.
I'm not entirely sure the same could be said about any Minister...
Ed Balls on Mumsnet? Jacqui Smith? I somehow think not.
