10 Things You Didn't Hear MPs Say...

1. “Moat? I didn’t claim for dredging my moat. That was the estuary. I couldn’t get the yacht up to the mooring.”

2. “Manure is utterly essential to carrying out my duties as an MP. It greases the cogs of the political system.”

3. “Using taxpayer’s money to build my property portfolio was a selfless attempt to kick start the housing market.”

4. “The bathplug was doing the taxpayer a favour. Since I’ve started claiming for my water bill, I hadn’t been bothering with a plug.”

5. “Dog food was a legitimate expense, Corby is employed as my parliamentary assistant. It comes under staff costs.”

6. “My gardening expenses may appear extravagant, but Prince Charles doesn’t come cheap and I have excellent vegetables.”

7. “They were energy saving light bulbs. That’s more an investment than an expense.”

8. “I don’t know what my constituents are complaining about. My planters give them something nice to look at.”

9. “Maintaining my estate is at the taxpayer’s expense is just fiscal stimulus. I am helping fight off the recession by contributing greatly to local employment.”

10. “You’re right. I defrauded the taxpayer. I’ll be handing myself in to the police.”